Time to be a real ADULT!

Owning my shit in more ways than one... Most people think being 18 makes you an adult. Yes, according to the law you can live on your own, finances can be solely your responsibility, you can marry and join the military. I turned 18 years of age October of my high school senior year. I knew better than to even try any of that crazy “I’m an adult, I’m moving out” shit. Being 18 had a few perks though, I could sign myself out from school. I could buy scratchers (this was before laws changed), I once even went on a trip with my boyfriend at the time to San Diego which lead to us walking across the border to visit Tijuana. That was my first and only time ever traveling outside the United States. My mom didn’t know anything about it, so what if I still lived at home. Did I need to ask permission just because she was the one still supporting me?!?! I was 18, I could do as I pleased. She may actually still not know about that little detour until she reads this (sorry Mom, please forgive me). Long story short... just kidding!  It’s now been brought to my attention by my son that not everyone enjoys reading as much as I do.  Read anyway it’s good for you!  

I was never an adult at 18. I wasn’t even a real adult at 21 even though I was married and had already had a baby. At 31, I was divorced and I still wouldn’t have considered myself an adult. I was able to care for myself yes. I had a job, of course, I actually had a career and with 12 years under my belt. I took care of my son no problem. I thought I was an adult of course. I was definitely of adult age, I was in my 30’s! I, myself, was a parent to a child hitting double digits! 

At 33 years of age after a divorce, followed by being a live in girlfriend just short of two years and raising my son to almost a teen (he was 12 and in middle school), I finally started my journey to adulthood.

July 2016 I bailed out of my live in relationship and just as the time before my friends showed up with one phone call, never questioning my decision, to pack and move my shit. Real friends help you MOVE! My dear friend across town was moving her own belongings at the same time to save the day! Or at least my day. She moved out of her very own home (she had her dude to live with, dude is now her fiancé! I’m sooooo excited for that! Been waiting 3 years for him to kneel down to that queen he has! they’ve been together for 5, I know holy crap right? That’s longer then some marriages even last!).  My dear friend had been planning to move, when I told her I would be needing a place to live she being the loving, caring, compassionate gal she is, sped that plan right up, packed what she needed and I moved right in. I didn’t even have money to give her. She said “get settled, start paying in a month”. I didn’t have credit or spare cash to transfer the utilities. Didn’t matter! My dear friend said “I’ll let you know what they are and you can just pay me when you can”. My dear friend is one of those amazing people. She’s a gift straight from God. We met through my son (she was his kindergarten teacher and our neighbor, my son adored her and still does) and believe me when I say she would do anything for my son or me. I mean she literally moved out of her home giving my son and me a place to live. A home for my son to return to after summer break at his dads. On top of that, she left everything we needed to live. Including a bed (I didn’t even own a bed!) dishes, bathroom towels, sofa, and fridge. She has a heart bigger then the state of Texas! She has never let me down and she was more than happy to help me start all over again. This time I was gonna be a real adult though! Even my dear friend planned on that! She knew I needed to live alone and be single. I had never in my life done such a thing. She said to me from the get go “I don’t know how long you will actually live here before you want to move in with someone, but we will talk about that before you do it again!” When she said that I knew she had a valid point. She doesn’t say anything with malice or anger. She’s a kindergarten teacher through and through (people wonder how we could possibly be such amazing friends because she and I don’t look like we would have a thing in common, don’t judge a book by its cover ). She wasn’t saying what she did because she would need to rent the house if I did find a dude to shack up with again. She is smart with money, she is a teacher, we know they don’t make close to what they deserve! She was saying it because she loves me and my son and wanted me to slow down, think what I really wanted in life and save my boy from numerous moves and meaning less relationships! She wanted me to grow and find myself instead of finding a man. She’s wise beyond her years, even if she’s younger than me she’s still taller so I look up to her and take her underlying messages to heart. My son hounded me with concern, surprised by our sudden move while he was away at dads. He needed to know what it all meant, was it temporary? He was only 12 and this was already his 5th address! He needed stability and some reassurance from his mom. I couldn’t promise it would be our forever home so I told my son “we will live in this house two years”. At 33, I had never really been single or lived alone! Of course I had my son so I wasn’t completely alone but every responsibility was on me. No other person to pitch in. No calling my ex for help, ex boyfriend that is, ex husband was in no position to help me, he was still on his slow winding road of recovery. I was still helping him when he needed it. (He’s my son’s dad and my son will always remember how I treated his dad so best for me to never treat him badly.) I made a mental note and a promise to myself and my son when he arrived back that summer to our new little home...We would never ever move into anyone else’s home again! We would live there in that house and if (if because I was pretty hardened at that time over relationships and “this is my house, my rules” ) we ever moved again it would be a house I wanted, and I could pay for alone and have my name on just the same as whomever else lived in it. I wasn’t sure I could even keep that promise to myself when I made it but I knew I could keep it for my son. My son was never going to worry again about not having a stable place to live, he would always have his own room and space for his friends to stay when they came to visit. I was never again going to reshape his life with new rules or expect him to be okay with someone new discipling him when he already had a mom and a dad for that. He had lived all his life as an only child, that was all he knew. He had been through enough with the divorce of his parents, his dad now living 5 hours away, adding a new man to his life so quickly along with siblings was on my part a foolish selfish move. I was determined to show my son that he was my number one! He was more important than what I thought I needed in life. He was my life! I knew he didn’t feel that though, how could he when I never had stopped between my marriage and new relationship to focus on just him and his happiness. I was serious when I made those promises and he needed to know it. Moving, being single, devoting everything I had to just our little family of two was how I planned to show him proof! Living alone is amazing! It’s true, everyone should do it! Everyone should probably do it before living with anyone else as an adult! Also being single and living on your own has a way of making you grow, learn, and discover who YOU want to be! No one gets a say in it but YOU! That’s how you become a real ADULT! You create your own happiness. You enjoy your own company. You take care of yourself and pay your own way! You are in charge of your life and your next move! You learn to speak up when you need too. You do all that and you will never lose yourself to a relationship or mold yourself to satisfy someone new. You will recognize your self worth. You will never settle for less then you deserve. You will be fine on your own living life. You will recognize true love when it comes along cause it requires no alterations to the person YOU are or want to be! Think I’m full of shit ?!?! Try it and see! My son and I didn’t have much of anything fancy when we moved into that house (okay we had nothing fancy but we had everything we needed left for us to use from my dear friend). I paid all the bills and anything extra I stacked away for savings. Saving money was something I hadn’t done in years! It adds up fast though, before we knew it we had a washing machine, my son had his own Tv and a dresser (my momma bought my son the dresser, she is so good to us). We started decorating and got our own bathroom towels and decor, I let my son pick out a sofa and paid for it with 45 twenty dollar bills, the lady’s face was priceless! She probably thought I was a prostitute. We saved some more and got an updated Tv for the living room. My dear friend said we could paint the walls and we did, then it was OUR home. It wasn’t big, it wasn’t the latest and greatest but it was ours and that made it absolutely perfect! I loved having a house for just my boy and me. My mom showed up anytime I talked about needing something with exactly what I had mentioned, new pots and pans, kitchen towels, linens, anything she came across, that was a good deal, that maybe I would need she got for me. I worked as much as I could, my son took care of the cleaning and cooking at home. I paid cash for everything! I furnished nearly my whole house the first year with stash cash! I had no credit and I had literally just gotten my letter of discharge for bankruptcy (another sad consequence due to divorce, foolish spending in my 20’s, and lack of priorities) so I wasn’t gonna get approved to finance a damn thing for a while! But I was finally ADULTING! I have always been blessed with good loyal clients, I can provide for my son and myself. I have an amazing career. I have a good work ethic and have been fortunate to always make the money I need (it helps to learn priorities and to live within your means) and thankfully I haven’t had to struggle as single mom like so many women do. I however, had never been in charge of the household budget, banking or paying anything but a car payment till I was 33, single and living on my own. That was my husband’s job when married, I had always just handed over my earnings (it’s a two person job, both should be aware of all bills and spending! Remember that! Know where your money goes! ) Being a live in girlfriend I paid my half of the rent and other bills to my bf in cash, never did we share a bank account. I never even knew what his personal debt was or monthly income. Now it was just me. I had to make sure bills got paid. Paid on time (I had to start checking the mail!!! Not really my son did that for me). I had to have a monthly chart to keep track, I still do. I had to build up a savings for rainy days. I am self employed and things happen, people reschedule, kids get sick, cars break down, that’s life. You have to be prepared to roll with it. I was the only one responsible for my son and I. I had to prioritize my life. I had to be an ADULT and in no time at all I was doing just that. Okay so some things may have got paid a day late, not because I didn’t have the money. I was that bad about making time to go to the bank or sitting down and clicking “pay bill” on my phone, ridiculous right ? trust me I know... But eventually I got the hang of it. It was a huge sense of pride. It put a smile on my face when people pointed it out, “you’re a single working mom and doing a great job !” I loved those words of praise! I loved it so much I started to tell myself I would never ever remarry! I didn’t need a husband. Maybe stay single forever! Why ever depend on a man to take care of me? I can take care of me! I WAS taking care of me and my kid! Being raised by a single mom myself, I was handy and had more tools than either man I was ever previously involved with. Shit, I had a savings and I didn’t have that the last 7years of my marriage or when I was only paying half the bills living with my boyfriend! 

I was happy! My son was happy! We were living our best life! Friends over for dinner any night of the week and no one to clear plans with other than my appointment book. Eating out at my and my son’s favorite places. Blaring AC/DC on the wireless speaker. Sleeping in when we had no where to be. Making cookies at 1am on a Friday night. My son could have his wild wolf pack staying overnight, all of them together sometimes two or three nights in a row. They could be loud and messy and know I was watching them with a smile and happiness. They could sleep in the living room on air mattresses and unfold every blanket in the house without a worry. They could move all the furniture and bust out the boxing gloves. They could be boys! It was exactly as life should be! That wild wolf pack respected me and our home.  Okay so we may have had one or two dry wall incidents, a handful of broken dining chairs, a closet door or two along with some (okay ALL, why lie) window screens that required replacement or repair.  What can I say?  accidents happen, shit breaks, boys can be rowdy!  Still they always cleaned up their mess and helped with anything else needed. They respected my son and the role he took being the man of the house and taking care of me. They moved furniture, did all the heavy lifting.  They pulled the weeds. They greeted me with a smile after work and knew better than to ever drink the last cold Dr Pepper. They checked on me when my son was away with his dad for holidays (that wolf pack of boys surprised me Christmas Day, just stopped by to say “hi happy holidays”). That wolf pack will be the friends my son has for life! 

It took me until I was 33 to experience what it was like to be single and living on my own terms, to find happiness within myself, to appreciate all the little things and I was enjoying every minute of it! Especially because I had my son as my sidekick.

I dated a few random dudes. Nothing serious. No one was coming to stay at my house that soon. I had nights out with my girlfriends and nights in, alone with Netflix and didn’t have to share my popcorn or worry about getting crumbs in the bed.  I was embracing life. My life. I was proving my devotion and love to my son by embracing his life, his friends, his happiness.  My coworkers from the salon became my family. They all knew my story and stepped up so I wouldn’t have any need for ending my single status until I was good and ready. My ride or die friends, they’ve all been single in life with kids, showed up in minutes anytime I needed help to light my water heater, hook up an appliance, or unclog a drain. The good men I know took my son hunting and fishing, repaired his broken archery bow, cheered him on at his baseball games, all because they cared about him and knew it wasn’t easy with his dad being 5 hours away. My forever friends would pick up my son from school or run him to practice, bring me lunch, take me to dinner, or drop in with flowers just because those things you still need sometimes when you’re single to feel loved. 

My clients supported me with flexibility and caring understanding hearts if I had a last minute change in plans or my son had a game. My clients even would pick up my son, run an errand for me to lessen my load, or drop food at my house if I was working late so my boy didn’t starve. Yes, my clients!  They are all like family and man did they step up when I was out on my own and prove that! They seriously are what makes my career amazing and why I love my job. They spoil my son with Christmas and birthday gifts, they tip extra saying “for your son’s school clothes shopping”. I have the BEST clients! It motivates me to be the BEST stylist I can be!  I want to go above and beyond for them because they have done so for me!

In that first year living alone and being single, I learned I could totally be a badass adult, an amazing mom, and have a kick ass successful career. I grew out of my longing dependency to always needing a partner. I experienced for the first time being dumped and it isn’t the worst tragedy. I thought it was when it happened though! Only tragic part is that Dumb shit still owes me $600 (it was a loan not a gift! Water under the bridge, hopefully he’s a better man now than he was then). Either way he served a purpose, He was best example for my own son of the kind of man NOT TO BE! We live and learn... I learned that having an entire bed to yourself can be quite comfy and you can pick the sheets and comforter without asking anyone’s opinion or worrying about the color not being their favorite. Plus, no matter how old you are a slumber party with your girlfriends is never lame. Also, just having to do your OWN weekly laundry is kinda nice and if you have a huge closet filled with tons of clothes you can go weeks without doing ANY laundry. I witnessed, first hand, that real friends will do anything for you and if they aren’t near or they can’t get to you, they will send out a proper replacement. If that isn’t possible Youtube has a video, follow that with a quick FaceTime of good guidance, you have the next best thing. I have always known it’s okay to ask for help but I never really had done so. Believe it or not some people actually want to help you out, no strings attached! I love helping people. It’s one of those “pay it forward” things in life and it can be so uplifting to help a random stranger or even more so a friend. I learned that saying “it takes a village to raise a child” is totally accurate and my son has the best tribe of wanna be parents and a large Wolfpack of great friends. I know living in this village he is surrounded by loving supportive people for life! I learned that there is always time for my hobbies and taking that time for myself is totally fine. No guilt necessary, it’s okay to be selfish with a little of my time. I learned to really use all the amazing things my mom had taught me growing up like patience, kindness, acceptance, and most importantly forgiveness. All of those things are free to own and won’t cost you anything to share. I learned loving myself and having self pride is a GOOD thing and doesn’t make me vain. Acknowledging my talents, hard work ethic, and life accomplishments is totally okay. Even more so when I am speaking to my son, I want him to know how to have pride in oneself. It’s important and sadly so many don’t have that when they should.

One year was all, it wasn’t a lot of time, 365 days. I made some mistakes sure but I also made some great life changes. I grew as a person. I know who I am now. I know what I want people to say when my name is mentioned. I became a better mom, friend, daughter, aunt, sister, and stylist. All those years prior I had been so worried about making everyone but myself happy and failed miserably!  Being single I put that time into my son and myself. Crazy as it sounds in doing that I knew no matter what other title I get in the future it will start with a positive word... AMAZING, SUPER, AWESOME, DEVOTED, LOVING, FABULOUS, blah blah blah you get the point... I took the time I would have put into a man, into a committed relationship and used it to build myself into what I wanted to be. I had to take that time, make some mistakes, learn a few lessons, so I could finally just be happy being ME. Do I always feel all that happiness and positivity?!?! Nooooooo! I’m not a robot! Some days I wanna pull my hair out! I have great hair so I would never actually do that don't worry. Some days I take my sarcasm to another level and it probably isn’t appreciated by everyone around me.  Other days my strong beliefs on things is voiced and shouldn’t be since it’s MY beliefs or my anger is directed at someone who was never the cause of it. I have lots of days I want to throw in the towel on my most fulfilling job and forfeit all my mom duties! I will never earn a paycheck as a mom I know that, and it’s a HARD job, but I get something way greater than any amount of money could ever buy, I get to be my amazing kid’s one and only MOM! Those are the days God reminds me it’s my first time having a teenager and it’s my sons first time being a teen. Neither of us are pros in this game we got going! Play your best, be a good sport, don’t take it to heart, and have fun! Even with all those crazy days I have more happy days then not.  I know it’s my choice to be happy, always remembering that isn’t second nature yet and may never be. I can recognize when I let stupid things get the best of me. I can recognize my unkindness and negatively. I even try to make an excuse for it, like that will make it okay...  I’m human, I make mistakes! 

I own my shit! My happiness included!

I learned I needed that in order to be more then just a mom, a friend, a stylist, a wife. I know to try to daily feed my soul some sort of good and grow. I want when people speak of me to do it with positivity... “She’s an amazing mom!” “She’s a great friend!” “She’s a fabulous stylist!” “She’s a devoted wife!” ( I’m gonna be a wife again)

It may not be said while I’m still walking this earth and even if it is, I’m sure there will still be some that will have polar opposite things to say about me, my life and my journey. Still, I want to be a person everyone wants to know, I want to leave a good impression always.  I want to smile and laugh and have it perk the same reaction in a stranger. My girl KK and I have this effect already anytime we go to a good comedy at the theater. I may never do anything legacy worthy but I hope to be remembered as someone who was positive, humble and kind to everyone around me.  I will be grateful for my life, I will be the best version of ME, constantly growing, being comfy in my own skin, OWNING MY SHIT without shame like the ADULT I am.... FINALLY!