Moving out and moving on...

They say the best way to get over a man is to just get another... It’s not good advice. I know that. I’m not here to tell you what is good, right or wrong. It was what I did and it was what I thought I needed. I am a person who likes to always be busy and down time doesn’t do me good. Idle hands are the hands of the devil. 

I didn’t waste a minute sulking over my failed marriage. I didn’t go into a deep depression. I had my son to take of, he had baseball games, school field trips, and hobbies that needed his mom’s support and attention. When my son was with his dad I was free to do whatever and immediately started dating a new man. Really he wasn’t a “new” man, I already knew him, had for years. We starting dating before I even filed for divorce (I don’t recommend that, poor choice, dating someone who hasn’t yet filed divorce means you’re dating a person who’s married!). We were smart about dating. We kept it simple, no kids or family events, no giving up our separate social lives. It was exactly what I needed at the time. He was a knight in shining armor. He pulled all the strings to help me get a car when mine was taken by the bank. I paid my car payment, of course unknown to me, my ex had been writing checks from that account and direct TV was really important to my ex (I’m not slamming him we all have different priorities). Having my car repossessed wasn’t even the worst of it, walking half way across town, bawling my eyes out, in the pouring rain at 7pm after working all day because my mom was out of town and I was too embarrassed to call anyone and ask for a ride, was way worse (the new me would definitely phoned a friend and most likely told that story the whole next day, probably laughing). Thankfully, with the help of my mom and him, I was only without a car for a few days. 

The knight was full of advice. He’d been through divorce. He was full of kind words and he didn’t mind listening to me vent. He made me want to leave my old life behind. No time to waste sulking. Move forward. Start new again. 

We dated for a while, things were good, eventually kids came into the mix. We spent more time together than apart, and without much thought or concern, we packed up my and my son’s things and became a family of 5 (word of advice don’t do that to an only child, I think he’s finally forgiven me).

We were in love. My son and I blended right into his big family. Holidays and birthdays were big family events and there was always a celebration or some sort of party to attend. I’m not really big on holidays, so that was a little overwhelming to me, but that big family was so good to my son and I (that big family still is). My son had a man who loved baseball as much as him. A lefty too! The boys bonded over video games and roughhousing. They also fought over shit and threw huge fits, like all kids do. 

It was a good life. A good life, with ups and downs. I wasn’t ready to fully commit. He wanted to build a home. I wanted to as well. We had different budgets in mind. We had different views on what was important. Not just when it came to a house but lots of things in life. I again never voiced my opinion, I never stated any of my concerns. I would just agree with whatever, smile and nod like I always had. It was all I knew. I didn’t want confrontation. I would rather completely shut down than argue.  

Like I said move out and move on! Moving on was what I thought was best after leaving my husband of 11 years, but it didn’t fix anything with me. I hadn’t dealt with any of my relationship issues or learned anything about myself from all that chaos of the past. I hadn’t taken any time to work on me, I had simply moved on. I was trying to mend my heart and didn’t have time to waste reflecting on all that misery.  I didn’t want this knight to take off on his horse if he found out I was a weak, scared, weeping gal deep down. I didn’t want to voice my opinion and him to become irritated and flee. So again I said nothing. I stayed silent and when I didn’t know what else to do, I packed my stuff and ran.  It was all I knew when facing more than I could handle.  I would rather be the one to leave then speak up and risk being left.  It didn’t fix anything... Running from your issues is just that! Running will get you away from it for the time being but wont prevent it from happening again. There was some resentment and some ugliness after my quick exit, on both our parts. He tried to give me space, he wanted me to figure things out, and I of course agreed. I always agreed. Time went on and we both moved on with our lives. I needed to repair myself or I would never be able to have a successful relationship. It took a year or so, but after all that, believe it or not we found a way to be friends. It took a good amount of time for me to recognize the reason for that knight in shining armor. He did exactly what any good knight is meant to do. He came in riding that horse, picked me up, and carried me with him until it was safe for me to continue on my own journey...